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Pizza Rolls When you want to burn your tongue 32 individual times.
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You play any dangerous sports? I sometimes disagree with my wife.
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When you both gained a few pounds but the love is strong.
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He asked why the house isn't clean since i'm home all day. I asked why we aren't rich since he works all day!
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The only acceptable time to have a duck face in a selfie.
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Waiting for the perfect man!
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Wine Truck. If kids can have an ice cream truck then adults deserve a wine truck.
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Brace yourself. Pumpkin spice everything is coming!
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If anybody needs me i'll be on my couch-canoe
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Bitches be like ... Spring break in 2 weeks.
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Brace yourselves statuses about the cold weather are coming up!
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I am no longer amused by this weather.. Somebody please fix this! And by the way the feeder is EMPTY!
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The weather is getting nice. I can't avoid shaving my legs anymore.
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Walk on a leash? You can't be serious! I'll just lay here and act like i don't know what a leash is for... Let's see if that works...
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The South BE like, "We're all gonna die." Mean while in Massachusetts "How do you want your burger?"
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I hope you enjoyed 75 degrees yesterday because today is going to be 35 and windy as hell.
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Weather reporter pup hates his job!
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I deactivated my FaceBook Ha Ha! ... Before you could unfriend me!
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People who think their 'shit' don't stink, haven't pulled their heads out of their asses long enough to smell the difference!
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Smile if you love animals
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Note to self: Wearing headphones doesn't make my farts silent!
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There has been a major recall on Reese's cups. Bring them to my house so i can dispose of them.
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There's no place like home to poop.
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Live like Rose. Dress like Blanche. Think like Dorothy. Speak like Sophia.
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To those in your twenties who think life sucks...Life hasn't even begun to screw you up yet. Buckle up buttercup!
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The box of antidepressants i ordered online arrived...
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You didn't hear it from me! trump is who you want. Not my power hungry insane bitch of a wife. Hillary Clinton, it's too late for me! Save yourselves!!!!
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He looked directly into the camera and lief to America. She looked directly into the faces of grieving family members. Who is stupid enough to put them back in the white house?
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When i find out people unfriend me from FaceBook
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When you walk into a store that has A/C
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Not all dads wear suits to work. Thank God for the hard workin dads out there.
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Forget about changing the country, or changing the world. Once you get married you can't even change the TV channel.
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Looks like everyone is online
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A website without SEO is like... a sports car without an engine.
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When you go to click 'next episode' and you realize you just finished the series.
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Feel free to block and unfriend me cause i'm not voting for Hillary Clinton
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Profile picture on internet. In real life!
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When you show up to work and you're trying to decide if you really want to go in...
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Democrats waiting for Hillary to speak!
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Put the treats in the bowl... and nobody gets hurt!
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